Breakdown in Communication

So much has happened since I last posted on this lovely little blog and to be honest as I have gone through challenges and changes I have been concerned about sharing them with you.  I love to be vulnerable and talk about what is happening in my life and how I am navigating those challenges but found myself frozen with fear and worry that I may upset certain people in my life as they too have played a part in those challenges.

I have decided to no longer be silent in the face of change and to be accountable for myself and my words.  In saying this if anything I post offends or makes you uncomfortable, I apologize. Please feel free to talk to me about it.  My intent is not to hurt with these posts but to share my challenges in hopes that reading about them may help you if you are facing similar challenges in your life.

Over the last year I have dealt with being essentially homeless and having to rely on the kindness of my friends and family to get me through.  I can not be more grateful for the experience as it has allowed me to learn the art of receiving gracefully and with openly being able to express gratitude.  The downside to this lesson has been within my desire to give back and make sure I am not taking advantage of those who love me enough to give to me when I am in need, and even when I am not.

Upon reflection I have noticed that I have been an over giver for most of my life.  Now while I love to give to those I love and even strangers I meet, I have had to realize that I tend to give to the point where I am actually harming myself.  This is in aspects of financial, as well as emotional and spiritual support.  Its a strange winding road where I want to give, whether its gifts or an ear to listen or some perspective advice, but in the giving I find myself left with not enough to support and sustain myself.

So with this realization I have started the journey of setting boundaries and creating agreements with those I love to allow me the beauty of giving without hurting myself in the process.  This has been a bit of a rough journey that has lead to some confrontation moments with people I hold incredibly dear.  Change tends to be a difficult road, especially when faced with other peoples expectations of you.  I have found that while I need to make sure I am OK, that I also feel I am disappointing some who I hold close.  It is a learning process for sure, but when labels are thrown out at me that I am being controlling or I am asked why I am going crazy.... these hurt because all I am really trying to do is make sure I feel safe and have space and time to tend to myself as I learn and grow through this change of perspective.

So how to deal with all of this..... I think communication really is the best way, but also find myself struggling to communicate what I feel I need for fear of the reaction or responses I may receive.  This puts me in a very difficult space where I want to communicate but tremble at the thought of while expressing my needs and desires I may be faced with judgement and a lack of compassion.  Some would tell me that maybe I need to look at changing the people I surround myself with, but I don't feel I should shut out people I love just because they may not understand where I am coming from.  And so it becomes an exercise of courage and a pulling up of compassion for those I love that I am working on communicating with.  Just because they may not communicate in the same way I do does not mean I should shy away from communicating with them.  It is true that their reactions and responses are their choice and really have nothing to do with me.  I could just be triggering something within them that is scary or they are judging themselves for.  This doesn't make it less scary for me, it does however allow me to approach every conversation with an open heart and mind to however they choose to respond.  I feel this makes me a stronger person, though at times I wonder if I have the strength to continue this path of self expression and exploration.

Life can be scary, open communication can be scary and asking for what you feel you need and or want can also be very very scary, BUT if you can find a place within yourself of compassion and love, for yourself as well as those you are communicating with, it can make the process just a tiny bit easier.  They say things get easier with practice and I am inclined to believe them.... whoever "they" are.

As always these are just one girls thoughts.... and I would love to hear your thoughts as well so please feel free to comment or contact me and maybe we can have a conversation.

For more information about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca

One year later

Waking up this morning I cannot express how grateful I was to see the sun shining in all its glory and that the rains had stopped.  A year ago today my family and I were evacuated from High River due to rising river waters. 


9 days later we were allowed to return home and view the damage, and oh boy was there damage!


We were one of the lucky families and though we took in 6 feet of water in the basement, our home was still structurally OK and we were able to start rebuilding.  Here we are one year later and the changes that have happened are extreme and so positive for us that I cannot imagine what life would look like if the flood had never happened. 


Over this last year my family has had some rocky moments, like when our puppy was killed in the street by a passing motorist, and for me personally, well, I lost some relationships that were very important to me.  I could lament and morn and go on and on about the hardships and all the negativity that has happened in the last year, but I would much rather celebrate the wins!



Wins like, finding the perfect little basement suite for myself in Calgary, and Dad selling the house in high river at a time when I was very unsure anyone would want to buy out there. As well as, wins like, my family being closer and working together to create awesome communication and cooperation in the cleanup and the aftermath of the floods. 


It is incredible what can change in a year and the amazing opportunities that can flow out of a tragedy.  I have received some of the most amazing opportunities for myself and my business just because I was affected by the floods last year.  It is one of the most humbling experiences I have ever been through, and I could not be more grateful for having gone through it.


Reflecting on the past year has allowed me to realize that I will always be stronger than I think I am.  I will always be able to handle whatever comes my way and I will be able to do it with a smile on my face and love in my heart because I know it may look dark in the moment, but a year down the road I just may be thanking my lucky stars for going through that event, emotion, or time. 


There is a saying "the universe will only give you as much as you can handle".  I don't think that is true... the universe will give you what it will give you, it is up to you to prove to yourself that you can handle it!!  

 

Our backyard in High River June 20, 2013

 

 

If you would like more info about the services Nicole provides please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca

 



Support from the heart...

The heart is an interesting creature, and I do mean creature!  I say this because even when we don't want to fall and don't want to feel, sometimes our heart just doesn't listen.  Then comes the lovely internal battle of denying how we feel and even trying to convince ourselves that maybe there is something wrong with us...

But the truth is there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with your heart.  Falling for someone just means you are open and maybe you are ready for a deeper more meaningful connection with another open hearted person.  And maybe just maybe you are falling for the ones who are not ready for you because you fear what having someone love you will look like. 

How it will feel and what it might mean. 

Loving someone means making room for them in your life. 

It means being open to that persons fears, feelings, decisions, hopes and dreams and supporting them through all of those pieces.  It also means being supported in return. 

For some of us having support from someone we love can be scary.  Occasionally it comes from being so comfortable doing it on our own that we don't want to be reliant on someone else and what happens if we trust they will be there and then they aren't...

Well in most scenarios it hurts but sometimes it's because they just don't know how to be there for you, the strong one who never leans on anyone else. It can be a daunting prospect to be there for anyone while they navigate their own challenges that arise from their personal inner world.

It takes patience, and communication and a whole lota acceptance/forgiveness and love.  The important thing to remember is that we are all learning this skill, this trait so we can move through our personal world with amazing and supportive relationships of all kinds. 

Be gentle with those you love because they are doing the best they can, and if you know of a way they can support you that will help you more, then tell them.  Don't drop subtle hints and hope they will get it.  Have an actual conversation and if they get upset, remember that they are human just like you and may be struggling as well.  Have compassion, have patience and most of all hold forgiveness for them if they happen to not meet your expectations.  All we can do is keep learning and the best way to learn is to communicate and accept each other and ourselves one day at a time.

 

If you would like more information about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website www.intuitivebalance.ca

 

Emerge

Emerge

A picture of rebirth and stepping back into unconditional self love.  This piece is very personal and represents a time of healing in unmet expectations and the need to let go and allow.  Within this piece there are many elements of rebirthing and allowing the heart and soul to heal on an energetic level by trusting the universe has a greater plan or idea in store.

By having this piece in your space it will encourage you to release anything that is not serving you or your highest good at this time.  Whether that is people, relationships, habits or thoughts and of course expectations.  This piece will cultivate a feeling of unconditional love of self and deserving the absolute best from yourself and the those around you.  It will create a knowing of how you want to navigate your world and how you would like to perceive your world and the people in it.  It will encourage you to embrace your personal power and the boundaries you need in order to move forward within that power. 

Original 16X20" Oils on Canvas $800 

Prints 11X14" $50

 

If you would like more information about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca

 

Third Stage of Grief: Bargaining

We have all done it, in many areas of our lives, and when dealing with grief emotions bargaining comes into play on many different levels.  The most common of these tends to play out in “what if” statements.  How many times have you played the “what if” game with yourself?  Whether it was a situation where you wonder “what if” I hadn’t of said that, or “what if” I had done this differently, it all comes down to the same thing.  Trying to bargain our way around the past and a situation or event that has already happened.

Even though we can’t turn back the clock or rearrange events that have already happened we still tend to antagonize ourselves by playing this game.  So “what if” we work towards letting go instead of torturing ourselves with what might have been if only we had, said , acted or created something different in that moment. 

I, personally, went through this process in the passing of my mom in 2011.  I tortured myself with thoughts of “what if” I had paid closer attention the last time around, when the symptoms of the cancer were showing up again, and “what if” I had made a case sooner for her to seek out chemo again.  Would that have saved her, or at least given her a bit more time with us?  While I was running scenarios of what I could have done differently, I was missing an opportunity to face up to the fact that my mom was her own person and made her own decisions.  I could not own how her life played out or how soon it came to an end, and it was not my responsibility to do so.  I was in a cycle of needlessly picking open wounds that could be healing and leading me in the direction of acceptance of the loss of her. 

So instead of “what if-ing” myself continually into a corner, I learned that I could let go of the responsibility and accept that she lived her life the best she could with the skills and perspective she had.  She made the choices that she thought were best for her in the moment and that was all I could ever ask for. 

Getting to this place took time and occasionally I still find myself peering into the past with a little regret at how some events and interactions with her played out. BUT I have come to a place where instead of viewing our time together with pockets of regret, I can now look back with immense love for the amazing woman who brought me into this world and taught me to be the compassionate loving human I am today.  I have learned from her choices and self perceived mistakes, and am a better and stronger person for being able to share the time I had with her. 

Now in saying this, we not only use these “what if” statements when reflecting on a loved one we have lost.  Many of us use these statements in everyday life to be hard on ourselves for our own self perceived mistakes.  When our expectations don’t play out how we thought they would, many of us will jump right into the “what if’s”.  So I am asking you to work with me in being a little more conscious of how you view yourself.  Dwelling on the past and those lovely “what ifs” are not going to magically turn back the clock so we can “fix” what we think we may have done wrong.  Instead, let’s look at those self perceived mistakes as lovely moments of learning and growth.  We can use those moments to help us do better in the future, to help us grow with the future, and to help us shift our perspectives of ourselves into a place of unconditional love. 

Do we sometimes say the wrong thing in the wrong moment?  Heck yes, but all this is, is a nudge to be more conscious with our words.  Do we sometimes get upset when events don’t play out the way we expect them to?  Of course, but again this is just a moment to open us to the idea that letting go of those expectations may be a blessing.  And do we torture ourselves with thoughts that if we had done this or that differently we may have been able to save a loved one?  Yes many of us do, but in doing this we are trying to take responsibility of a life that was not ours to control and decisions that were not ours to make.  Let’s respect and love those who have passed before us, in honoring their decisions in their journey.  Those decisions were never ours to make, and I feel we would be discrediting and even disrespecting our loved ones who have passed by believing if we had done just one thing differently, we may have been able to save them. 

Within this third stage of grief, we need not be so hard on ourselves.  Remember, you are here, in this journey for a reason, and maybe the person you are missing dearly was here to show you that letting go and being gentle with yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can receive. 

To learn more about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca or visit Lasya Healings website at www.lasyahealing.com

Creative Goddess

This is a piece, done in soft pastels that is very dear to me.  She is the creative goddess and she will help you to connect to your innate creative abilities.

The goddess of creativity peers out at you from this piece through rose colored glasses.  Her tiny smile encouraging you to let go and unleash the creative forces you hold within yourself.  Her rose colored glasses encourage you to see life in the most positive of aspects and to learn that there is always a silver lining in every situation. 

The energy this piece resonates with is one of complete creative surrender and allowing yourself to embrace your heart fully by opening yourself to the creative possibilities surrounding you.  As you work with your creative mind you will more fully step into your personal power and your personal perception, which is always changing.  Having this piece in your space will further open you to creative energies and allow you to find interesting and different solutions to the challenges you may be facing in your life and work.  Use this  piece to engage in your own creative heart and to motivate yourself forward on your own personal path.

 

Original 11"X14" soft pastels $200 plus GST

Prints 11"X14" $20 plus gst

If you would like to purchase one of Nicole's energy art pieces please contact her at 403-998-3367

If you would like to know more about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca

You can also find more information about her healing services at www.lasyahealing.ca

 

Grief: Anger

Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

Do you sometimes have a day where you wake up cranky and things keep happening that make you feel angrier throughout the day.  Do you wonder if it is the events that are causing your emotional response or if your feelings are actually creating the events...

This is very much what the “second” stage of grief feels like.  Your angry but not sure why exactly, you just feel angry.  So you try to pin it on something, you look for a source to blame the anger on, to give it a name or target.

Often when the grief is due to an event that involves another person, like a loved one who has passed on or a lover or spouse at the end of the relationship, we feel angry at that person.  They are the easiest target to be angry at so that is where it tends to go.  We may feel angry at our loved one for leaving us, or angry at ourselves for something we did or said that to that person that we perceive as bad or wrong. 

These feelings are normal, or at least they have been in my experience.  When my mom passed away in 2011 from cancer, I was so angry at her for leaving us and for giving up the fight to stay.  Now, at the same time I was also feeling relief, sadness, gratitude and a myriad of other emotions.  It was anything but straight forward, but there was anger in a very real sense and not just at my mom but at myself as well.  I was angry at myself for not being more, or better for my mom, even though I know in my heart she always saw me as perfect and she always will. 

In times of intense change, like losing a loved one, it is important to reach out to your support group, whether it is friends and family, or a professional that you trust.  I was very lucky in that area as many of my friends practice reiki and do intuitive counselling.  I reached out, had some reiki sessions done and was able to get clear on my emotions and why exactly I was feeling the way I was.

Giving yourself time to honor your feelings is a definite must as well.  Everyone processes and grieves differently and there is no “wrong” way to feel.  It is important to accept what you are feeling as you look to understand the underlying reasons for those feelings.

 Honor yourself, be gentle with yourself and accept yourself with love.  Reach out, talk with friends and family or come into Lasya  Healing Center and see me for a reiki session.  Clarity on your feelings can help you move through those emotions with a perspective that draws positivity to you and your growth.

 

If you would like more information about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca  you can also find her on the Lasya Healing website at www.lasyahealing.ca