Personal Chaos

The last month has been hard.  I think that may be the only simple way to put it at this point because to state it in any other manner may inflate the truth or decrease it in some way.  So I will just state the facts for you, but to do this and get a realistic look at my world, I need to go back about 2 years...

In August of 2011 my mom was in the final stages of her fight with cancer.  It had been 5 years and this time she was just to tired to fight it out.  During this time I was trying to secure tenants to take over the lease I was in with my ex-fiance.  We had broken things off the previous May and had been living together in relative peace for the summer as neither of us really had a choice and we were locked into a lease.

I found renters and on Aug 15 I moved from Calgary to my parents home in high river to try and help out and the main hope was to get my mom home and comfortable where I could care for her.  At this time she was in the hospital for severe dehydration.  I also walked away from a client base I had built up in a shop I was working in Marda Loop.

On Aug 30 my mom passed away. She never did make it back home and died in the hospital.

Some people have told me I'm incredibly strong to do what I did in that month.  It was a lot to handle and looking back I'm not really sure how I did it.  They say the most stressful events in any ones life are moving, leaving a significant relationship, changing jobs and a death in the family.  All of these events happened to me in August of 2011 and I made it through, I continued to move forward with my career and my life.  I think I was able to do it because I know that is what my mom would have wanted for me.  Just to keep going, to make a life for myself and to be happy.

Fast forward to Christmas of 2012...

My father and I decided to go to Vancouver Island for Christmas to visit my brother (his son) and my aunt (his sister).  On the night of December 23, I was at my brothers in Courtney and my dad was at my aunts in Nanaimo, we got a call from my aunt stating my father was having a seizure and that an ambulance had been called.  We rushed to the Nanaimo hospital and were told he needed to be transferred to the neurology unit in Victoria. 

Long story short my father had a condition called Hydrocephalus also known as water on the brain.  He had neurosurgery on Christmas day where they put a shunt in his brain to drain the excess fluid into his abdomen.  The surgery went well but there ended up being complications that kept my father in Victoria until a second surgery could happen.  He was finally able to come home in February with instructions that he was not allowed to drive for 1 year.

In April of 2013 my father suffered another set of seizures called Focal seizures.  This resulted in a week hospital stay, more medications and another extension of his not being allowed to drive, this time until April 2014.

And finally June 2013...  As I have mentioned we live in High River, and on June 20 we were evacuated from the town and not allowed to return for 9 days due to unsafe conditions and the extent of the flooding.  When we were able to gain access to our home we discovered that 5 + feet of water had come into the basement and everything on that level was lost.  I happened to live in the basement of the house and lost all of my material possessions that were not with me at the time. 

For the last month I have been helping with the clean up of the house in high river as well as trying to get my life back on track and set up so I can keep going.  After going through everything that happened in Aug 2011 you would think this would be a walk in the park but to be perfectly honest this is harder.

I don't know if it is because I was on more solid ground in 2011, or if it has all built up inside of me to this point but if I am honest, I'm struggling and quite badly.  We have gotten the house to the point where it is a waiting game to get what needs to be done, done.  I have a secure and solid place to live and am still able to work so why is this so much harder?  Why do I feel like I am losing my grip?

I think part of it is that I feel as though my life is not my own and has not been for the last 2 to 3 years.  I have been living for my family and I have been focusing so much on what they need that I have left myself behind.  I have been seen as a rock and the girl who can handle it by so many people that I don't know how to live up to that image any more. 

All I want is for someone to hold me and tell me its all going to be ok but I don't have that.  Yes I have an amazing family and my friends are some of the most supportive and spectacular people I know but it's not the same as having that one person who you feel completely safe with.  That one person who tells you its all going to be ok, even if it doesn't look that way and you believe them.

Maybe I'm looking for the support that most children have from their parents when they are little.  That safe feeling that it's all going to be taken care of and you don't have to worry.  Oddly I still do have that belief, I know it is all going to work out and be ok, I guess I just wish I had a partner in crime to share the burden with, to share the worry with, and to share the stress with.  I don't want to burden my friends and family with how I am feeling because a part of me feels like I will be letting them down, I will be showing them that I am not the strong girl they think I am.  I will be showing them I am human and vulnerable and scared. 

A part of me also feels like I will be the broken record of woe.  Oh look at me and how hard my life is right now.  Pity me, feel sorry for me.  I don't want to be that person.  I have worked hard to step out of the victim mind set and have no intention of going back.  So what do I do?  How do I get through this?

I know one thing.  I am going to ask for help and when someone asks me how I am, I am going to answer with the truth and not just tell them I'm Ok or fine.  Right now I'm not OK and you know what?  That's OK!! 

The only other thing I know for sure, is to just be in the moment, every day, as much as I possibly can.  To find joy and enjoyment in the little moments that make life special.  Like playing with my god son, or my cousin's little girl giving me her stuffed bunny to make me feel better. 

I guess one of my lessons right now is being ok with not being ok and learning how to deal with that and keep going.  How to put one foot in front of the other when all you really want to do is run away.  It sounds like a great plan, that running away, but it never leads you to a place of peace or calm because the internal challenges go with you and will show up externally given enough time. 

A lot has happened for me and my family in the last 2 years and I feel I must mention that not all of it has been as horrible as it sounds.  I have had just as many, if not more amazing moments and events in my life these last 2 years.  My godson was born, and he is the gem of my heart.  I started working at an amazing clinic called Lasya Healing, doing reiki, reflexology and readings, the work of my heart.  I have also made connections and created friendships with some of the most amazing people I have ever had the luck of meeting.  I am safe and loved and supported, I guess sometimes we just need to write it out to see it and get bumped from the pity party we are hosting for ourselves. 

It does get better and the universe will only give us what we can handle, so remember and know and trust that you can handle it, you will get through it and this too shall pass.

**  This was originally written in August 2013, I am finally posting it as I feel I can share now**

An energy painting of rebirth and transition

Emerging in Grace.

 

 

If you would like to know more about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca or www.lasyahealing.com

 

The Soulful Parent Vol II

Well I know I have not posted for a while but thankfully I have been busy with an amazing joint venture with 21 other amazing authors.

The collaboration is called The Soulful Parent Vol II and there are 22 authors who have contributed to this amazing resource for parents who want to help their children grow up to be fully themselves, fully in their own power and completely in love with themselves.

This second edition focuses on what we as parents can do to make sure we are not superimposing our personal fears and challenges onto our children.  That our expectations are not a source of limitation for our kids, that we are able to see the big picture and let our babies have the experiences they came here to have. 

And the best part of all... this e-book is completely FREE!!! 

Here is some more information about this awesome resource and a link to get your copy!!

If you’ve ever struggled, felt frustration or overwhelm when it came to parenting; OR if you’ve wondered how you can raise your children in this day and age being able to stay true to who they are and be happy at the same time…

- take a look at this!

My colleague and friend, Trisha Savoia (founder and owner of Absolute Awareness) invited me to write an article for the Second Edition of The Soulful Parent series - The Soulful Parent Vol.II: How to Stop Parenting from Ego & Start Parenting with SOUL.

It’s designed to help you step out of the old paradigm of parenting and step into the new paradigm of parenting, which is what our children require to thrive and be happy.  As you may already know, today’s children are different.  They are more sensitive, more feeling, more open, and more self-aware.  Because of this we need to examine our old style of parenting and learn new ways to parent these children...as well as learn more about ourselves!

Inside this top-notch resource you’ll enjoy 22 articles that are a must-read that will change your perspective…and the way you parent.

And the best part – it’s totally FREE!

This book is perfect for you if you:

• love your children dearly, and sometimes feel you are failing as a parent
• feel guilt a lot of the time, and pulled in so many directions
• your house feels more like a war zone than a place of love and happiness
• feel stressed, chaotic, and drained a good portion of the time
• feel you are always “giving in” because you’re too tired to argue anymore
• hit a breaking point and resort to yelling and screaming because they don’t listen otherwise

Be among the first to change the landscape of how we parent by jumping inside this digital ebook:

The Soulful Parent Vol.II: How to Stop Parenting from Ego & Start Parenting with SOUL





As you know these are just one girls thoughts :)

If you would like more information about Nicole or the services she offers, please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca

Simply Love...

Last Thursday I had one of those days when you just have to cocoon.  I had to honor the feelings that were arising in me and be in my own personal box for a while.  After trying to distract myself and analyze what I was feeling and where it could possibly be coming from I decided to just allow myself to feel, without judgement and without needing to "fix" it.

So I went into my healing room, grabbed my giant piece of rose quartz, propped it up in my lap and watched a TED talk by Shane Koyczan.  This TED talk is by far the most beautiful I have ever seen and it stirred up a ton of emotion within me.  You see, he speaks about how we are told what we are as we grow up, and how we either take on those beliefs from other people OR we just have to believe they were wrong, because... they have to be wrong. 

After watching this I took the time to go within and meditated for about an hour, then I allowed myself a really really good cry.... the point of all of this is what happened when I finished crying. 

I had an overwhelming urge to write, so I grabbed my phone and in the notes wrote the following:

It is important to remember that love flows from with in. It's just that sometimes it feels like we can't find it even though its always there, it never leaves, it never turns on us in judgment, and it never sees us and wants something more. It is pure unconditional love. It is god, the universe and everything sitting, flowing and moving within each of us at all times. So why do we turn away from ...it. Why do we not see it when it is right there under our noses or even staring us right in the face.
Why do we place so much value on how we are viewed externally than how we are viewed from within. How we see ourselves. That needs to be the gauge we use to determine our personal self worth. The outer gauge is colored by others perceptions as well as how they are feeling about themselves. And that tends to be determined by how they think others feel about them.
It's time to take the power back. It's time to feel that unconditional love that is in all of us for ourselves.
It's so easy to give away the responsibility of our perceptions. It's much easier to believe what we are told rather than searching for the truth within ourselves. Because looking in is scary. Who knows what might be in there BUT the truth is there is only love. Anything else is just smoke and mirrors. A distraction from the amazing ness of the light we each hold within us.
Maybe it's scary to see that light and know we are amazing and to know we are love at our core, in our deepest places. Maybe we are scared that once connected to that love our lives will appear wanting. That we haven't fulfilled the PLAN. That we might have to make changes and the ripple effects of those changes could create chaos in our world.
But sometimes chaos is good, sometimes it is needed and change is ever present whether we want it or not because that's life. Life is change and growth. So why not make conscious changes. Look in and see what is not working anymore. What does not line up with you and make some choices, some changes. Be proactive instead of letting life live you maybe it's time to live life...

It came out of me like verbal diarrhea and when I read it over I was a little amazed so I wanted to share it with all of you who take the time to read my blog :) 

Self love is so important and if we could drop the fear of how we are viewed externally and run with the love that courses through our veins I feel the world would benefit.

But hey, these are just one girls thoughts....

 

 

Here is the link for the TED Talk that I speak of above: http://www.ted.com/talks/shane_koyczan_to_this_day_for_the_bullied_and_beautiful.html

 

I encourage eveyone to watch this with an open mind and an open heart.

 

For more information about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca



Can you roll with life and keep your own cup full?

Life throws us all kinds of hiccups and bumps as we walk our journeys and normally we are all able to take them in stride and just roll along right...
 
Because life keeps going and if we don't keep walking with it, where are we left?

I have been great at rolling with life and making the decisions that are best for me in the moment.  I have walked away from a marriage that I was very unhappy in, I have moved countless times and I have completely changed my chosen career.  I made it through the passing of my mom, the collapse of another very serious relationship, and the revamping of my chosen career. 

Going through all of that change was not easy, but most of the time I was able to do it with joy in my heart and a smile on my face because I knew that I was strong, I could handle it and all I had to do was keep moving forward and making the best decisions for me that I could.

Interestingly I have been recently going through another phase of change and this time, even though it does not appear as extreme as some of the changes I have faced so far, this time I am struggling.  To be blunt and frank and get straight to the point, I'm sad and I don't know why.  I am completely unmotivated and have seemingly lost my drive to do, well, anything.

Today as I was driving (which I often am), I thought that maybe this is what depression feels like.  An overwhelming sadness that has no source, that I can find anyway.  It is pushing me to make a decision, to possibly make some changes.  What those changes are, I'm not quite sure yet, but one thing I do know...

It is time to come back to me.  It is time to do only what makes me happy and nothing else, it is time to re-embrace myself in all my glory, perceived faults and all and just put one foot in front of the other and continue to move forward.  It is time to find the focus I desperately want and channel that focus into all the areas that are important to me, that help me to feel whole, balanced, and completely in love with myself.

How am I going to do that you ask....  well right now I am not sure, but this blog is step one.  Why?  because quite simply I love to write and it is time to let go of the fear of possible judgement on what I have written.  To be honest, this blog is for me and if you read it, I thank you.  If what I write about resonates with you, then I am blessed to have possibly made a difference, even if it is just that I have gotten you, the reader, thinking a little about the possibilities and the different perspectives out there.

Other than that, I am just going to take things one day at a time.  I am going to make sure the choices I make are for me and fill my cup, so that I can also extend a hand to others who may be struggling.  Even if it is just a simple smile on the street or a kind word at the right moment. 

We are all walking our individual journeys and sometimes we feel stuck or unhappy and have no idea why.  I personally think the best thing we can do for ourselves in those moments is to make sure we are being taken care of on all levels, and we are the only ones who can do this for ourselves.  This may mean taking a few days for you, to do whatever it is that makes you happy on a base level.  This might be daily walks in the woods or an evening bubble bath with candles and a glass of wine, or even getting back into that exercise routine that fell to the side when we got too busy.

Whatever it is for you, it's time to give back to yourself, it is time to fill your cup. 

But hey, these are just one girls thoughts....

If you would like more information about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca

Expectations, where do those lead us?

Expectations, we all have them. We place them on the people in our lives, on ourselves and on situations that we wish to control.  The interesting thing about expectations is that they usually leave us in a space of disappointment. 

As human beings we like to be in control and know what is coming for us, but that isn’t how life tends to work.  We have situations come up that we were not expecting and we have to adapt, bob and weave to get through them.  We have to be flexible to navigate through our journeys and the more we hold onto control and the need to plan out exactly how our life is going to happen the more difficult it can be to flow with whatever happens to show up for us.

This can be a heavy lesson for some and an easy lesson for others, it all depends on your perspective and how you handle having your plans changed on you.  The interesting thing about this is, when we come up against sudden change or a loss of control in a situation, it is our angels and guides asking us to trust that there is a higher reason for what we are going through and dealing with.  There is either a lesson involved for us to learn or a way to get where we are trying to go that is more stream line, and we are just not seeing it in the moment.

I recently had my personal expectations dashed and through the process realized that it was in fact for my best and highest that my expectations were not met.  I had planned to move back into Calgary from High River for the first of February.  The day I made this decision a close family member came down with some very serious health issues.  I was bound and determined to not let this stop me from moving, even though I was living with and helping this family member at the time.  I stuck to my expectations with a stubborn mind and thought nothing could hold me back from moving forward.  As more information came forward about the needs in recovery of my family member I realized that I would not be able to make the move.  I was deeply disappointed at the time as I saw this as me being held back and I could not figure out why.

Upon reflection I have realized that the house I was moving into was obviously not the right fit for me at this time, and being able to stay where I am will actually benefit me in many other areas of my life, while being there to help my family. 

My expectations were not met, but the result of being able to flow with the situation, to be flexible has benefited me in ways I had not expected.  I stepped into trust and just allowed the universe to show up for me.

I personally think we all struggle with our expectations.  They can cause us to be hard on ourselves as well as those we love.  They can create disappointment and heartache.  If we can let go of those expectations of ourselves, the people in our lives and how we think everything should work, we can step more fully into trusting that whatever happens has  positive and loving reasons behind it, whether it is something we need to learn, or just a different path to get us where we would like to go.

So when you are struggling with your own expectations, whatever they may be, take a moment to try and see the situation, or person from a different perspective.  Look for the positives that are happening in the moment and what you may be learning about yourself and those around you.  There is always a silver lining, sometimes you just have to look for it from a different angle.

But hey these are just one girls thoughts....

If you would like more information about Nicole or the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca