Wait isn't this supposed to be fun?

If I could be who you wanted would I still like the person I have become?

Why is it we sometimes get in these cycles of wanting to be what everyone else wants us to be and we forget who we are or at least who we would like ourselves to be?!?  I have been stuck in this strange place lately where I want to be desired and I want to be wanted but at what risk to myself?

Can I continue to play this lovely game of what would you like from me today and still be able to look at myself in the mirror and love me for me?  OK this is already becoming a conundrum of questions that are leading us no where, and honestly it is not quite as bad as that (dramatic moment).  What has been happening is I have stepped back into the world of dating and am feeling discourage, frustrated and let down by the process and the discoveries I have made about myself in this process.

Oh and by stepping back into the dating world I mean online dating, which so far has been an exercise in frustration with a heck of a lot of effort and little to no connection.  Meeting people in person makes it so much easier to know if there is any point in talking, that energetic connection (even for friendships alone) is right there and very apparent.  In text though, not so much...

So in getting back on the band wagon, as it were, I have realized that many of those past relationship "wounds" that I thought I had gotten past and even healed are still there, just waiting to jump into light at the slightest provocation. 

One of these is the lonelies.  How much am I willing to compromise on just to have a companion or some flat out affection from the opposite sex.  How much am I willing to "put up with" that normally I wouldn't even consider just because I am feeling a little vulnerable and a little lost and would love to have that connection again. 

I gotta be honest here, I feel pathetic just writing about this but it's true.  I have watched myself compromise and put up with a lot just because I am hopeful that maybe, just maybe, a little piece of me will be fulfilled from this encounter.  Now I am not talking about one night stands, as much as I would love to say I can be detached enough to have a night of nookie and just walk away with no emotion attached, well that is just not me.  So those aren't even in the picture. 

I am talking about dating for the sake of dating but allowing myself to be sucked into the allure of just having someone, and then when my expectations (I know first issue right there) are not met, feeling disillusioned, hurt and even rejected.  Holy vicious cycle batman!!  Because even though I am hurt, I still stick around because I like the idea of having someone, even a not serious someone, just someone.  I allow my head and heart to be played with and to be honest no one but me is doing that playing.

I have had a couple of good friends call me on my Sh*t in the last couple of days and the message is really the same.  Dating is supposed to be fun, so what am I missing here that for me it has become a frustrating and ego killing experience. (I was so much better at this when I was 17). 

To be honest I think part of me cares a little too much, and another part is still putting to much owness on others for how I view myself.  If I could just know in my heart that I am really a kick ass person, who any man would be lucky to date let alone be in a relationship with, maybe I would be able to have more fun with this.  I could give or take the thought of rejection because frankly it would be "their loss".

So the plan now.... is to just focus on me.  To focus on reconnecting to that love I have for myself and for me to be the person I want to be.  No judgements, no limitations, just me for me.  Because I am a pretty awesome girl, but I am a much awesomer (is that even a word? spell check says no) girl when I am standing in my power loving me for me. 

Will this be a work in progress?  Oh yes I have no doubt, but at least I have an awareness around it now and I don't think I will be letting others dictate who I am on any given day anymore. 

It's time to get outta my head and back into my heart, I now just have to work on slowly allowing the mind to shut the heck up...

So if you have any advice to share on the path of dating, I would love to hear it!  And thanks for reading my rant, as you know these are just one girls thoughts...

If you can love with an open heart

in all areas of your life

then you can live in bliss

for you have found the secret

For more information about the intuitive and healing services Nicole offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca