I have decided to no longer be silent in the face of change and to be accountable for myself and my words. In saying this if anything I post offends or makes you uncomfortable, I apologize. Please feel free to talk to me about it. My intent is not to hurt with these posts but to share my challenges in hopes that reading about them may help you if you are facing similar challenges in your life.
Over the last year I have dealt with being essentially homeless and having to rely on the kindness of my friends and family to get me through. I can not be more grateful for the experience as it has allowed me to learn the art of receiving gracefully and with openly being able to express gratitude. The downside to this lesson has been within my desire to give back and make sure I am not taking advantage of those who love me enough to give to me when I am in need, and even when I am not.
Upon reflection I have noticed that I have been an over giver for most of my life. Now while I love to give to those I love and even strangers I meet, I have had to realize that I tend to give to the point where I am actually harming myself. This is in aspects of financial, as well as emotional and spiritual support. Its a strange winding road where I want to give, whether its gifts or an ear to listen or some perspective advice, but in the giving I find myself left with not enough to support and sustain myself.
So with this realization I have started the journey of setting boundaries and creating agreements with those I love to allow me the beauty of giving without hurting myself in the process. This has been a bit of a rough journey that has lead to some confrontation moments with people I hold incredibly dear. Change tends to be a difficult road, especially when faced with other peoples expectations of you. I have found that while I need to make sure I am OK, that I also feel I am disappointing some who I hold close. It is a learning process for sure, but when labels are thrown out at me that I am being controlling or I am asked why I am going crazy.... these hurt because all I am really trying to do is make sure I feel safe and have space and time to tend to myself as I learn and grow through this change of perspective.
So how to deal with all of this..... I think communication really is the best way, but also find myself struggling to communicate what I feel I need for fear of the reaction or responses I may receive. This puts me in a very difficult space where I want to communicate but tremble at the thought of while expressing my needs and desires I may be faced with judgement and a lack of compassion. Some would tell me that maybe I need to look at changing the people I surround myself with, but I don't feel I should shut out people I love just because they may not understand where I am coming from. And so it becomes an exercise of courage and a pulling up of compassion for those I love that I am working on communicating with. Just because they may not communicate in the same way I do does not mean I should shy away from communicating with them. It is true that their reactions and responses are their choice and really have nothing to do with me. I could just be triggering something within them that is scary or they are judging themselves for. This doesn't make it less scary for me, it does however allow me to approach every conversation with an open heart and mind to however they choose to respond. I feel this makes me a stronger person, though at times I wonder if I have the strength to continue this path of self expression and exploration.
Life can be scary, open communication can be scary and asking for what you feel you need and or want can also be very very scary, BUT if you can find a place within yourself of compassion and love, for yourself as well as those you are communicating with, it can make the process just a tiny bit easier. They say things get easier with practice and I am inclined to believe them.... whoever "they" are.
As always these are just one girls thoughts.... and I would love to hear your thoughts as well so please feel free to comment or contact me and maybe we can have a conversation.
For more information about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca
