Mirror Mirror in my Heart

Many of us in this journey we call life understand the mirror concept and that often what is bothering us on an external level is really a mirror for judgements that we are holding against ourselves....  Well I got hit with a couple of whoppers today I gotta tell ya, and I am still reeling from them.

The one that is closest to the surface at the moment was the realization that I and only I am the reason that my past romantic relationships have not worked out as well as some of my closer friendships.  Not only was I the party that ended both of my past significant relationships, but I was essentially alone in the decision to end them.  Both times my partners have not wanted the end to come, but of course I pushed the issue and that was all she wrote. 

I am by no means saying that there were not other factors involved in these decisions.  I didn't just wake up one day and say "hey, wouldn't it be fun to end my relationship today and cause myself and my partner a great deal of emotional pain"..... no there were "extenuating circumstances" but to be fair that was all they were, circumstances.

I was told today that in relationships of any and all kinds the only responsibility we have is to love the other person as best we can, and to ask ourselves on a daily basis "how can I love them better?"

 I gotta be honest here when I say it was like a punch in the solar plexus when this really hit home.  I have never done this in any relationship I have had except for my relationships with my family.  I was able to have this view when it came to my mom because she was sick and all I could do was love her, because I essentially understood that this was her journey to make, and her choice to make it whatever it needed to be for her.  All I could do was love her.

I have been able to have this perspective with my Dad and my brother as well.  Simply because I get that they have their own individual roads to follow.  Nothing I do or say will change that and there is no way I would ever cut them out of my life so again, all I can do is love them, for who they are and where they are right now.  Even if I sometimes don't agree with them, it's their journey and I respect that.

SO why have I never done this with my partner and lover in life??  Why have I always put parameters on that one person that I should be ever supportive, loving, and accepting of??  and what would happen if I were to just love, without boundaries, without conditions, and without expectations.  Taking steps each day to just love that person and all the people in my life the best I can, with no limitations....

I don't have the answers to those questions as I have never tried to love in this way before, but I will be honest I am a little scared.  To be in this space feels very vulnerable and I am a little concerned that my heart will be bruised.  BUT I am going to step forward into this anyway.  Starting with myself.

We all talk about how we need to love ourselves first and love ourselves unconditionally, but I don't know how well we really are at this concept we preach so much.  I know I have a rough go at not being hard on myself, and wow did I ever have a kick the shit outta Nicole session tonight when these realizations started to sink in.

Luckily though, I was able to stop, re-assess, and put a little perspective on it.  Maybe I haven't been great at loving in the past but that does not mean I can't be amazing at loving in the future.  So I am making a commitment to myself, here for all to read, that from this moment forward I am going to love me the best I can in every moment of every day. Because I deserve it.  I am also going to extend that love to everyone in my life. 

This isn't to say I may not still have my moments, but hey I will love you the best I can. All Ways!!

We all feel like this sometimes.... right??

Well I have been getting that message to slow down again LOUD AND CLEAR!  As per usual I have ended up with a cold to really get the message across cuz when I start rolling I always seem to forget about me and taking down time for myself. 

The frustrating part about this particular cold/message is that just when I feel it is lifting and I can get life back rolling again, it comes at me full circle and knocks me on my arse all over again, but in a gentle way (thank goodness). 

So why do I feel like I am struggling here??  Why do I feel like I am still holding myself back and am full of fear??  Fear of succeeding, fear of not succeeding, fear of getting too busy, fear of not being busy enough, and that all encompassing fear of not being able to help, not being able to serve, not being able to make a difference...

I have tried all the angles on letting go of these fears but obviously I have been missing something.  I have asked my angels and my guides to help me release them, I have done numerous clearing exercises, I have done reiki on myself and gone for reiki to energetically release but these thoughts and feelings are still hovering.  I have also talked to myself for hours on end about not being attached to someone elses journey and their outcome of life whether I happen to have a moment in it or not.

Am I the only one in this boat??  Everyone else seems to float through these types of doubts with ease and grace.  Even me... yes I have had a billion moments when I have walked through all of the fears I have listed above with my head held high and a beautiful inner knowing that everything is going to be OK.  But I gotta be honest with you, they creep back in.  You can call it EGO or just plain self doubt (an aspect of ego??) .

I feel like this all may just be plain old life... We come here to learn and grow.  To find a piece of heaven on earth and to live this life with joy and that is where I usually am in my feeling and thinking.  I embrace life with an attitude of joy that when I find it in others I am blown away by their perspective.  BUT I also realize that to really be able to achieve this outlook there does have to be contrast or we would not recognize what we have.  I feel one of the main reasons we come here to earth to have our human experience is to walk through the fear so we know how it feels to come out the other side.  To have moments of sadness and heartache so we know what true joy is.  And even to feel anger, jealousy and rage so that when we achieve balance we can appreciate it all the more and can access that beautiful emotion we call gratitude.

So where does all this leave me...

It leaves me with trust.  Trust in myself, trust in my intuition, trust in the universe/god/my higher self or source, whatever you would like to call it.  Trust that I am going to be OK and all I have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I have seen too many times how many doors can open if you just take one step towards your joy or towards your dream.  So I am going to keep taking those steps, even if it is a step inward towards quiet time and taking moments for myself. 

For those of you who read these rambling posts I would like to thank you for allowing me a venue to write through my process and to happen upon some of my own answers when I start feeling a little low and the fear of walking forward gets a little overwhelming.  So Thanks, thanks for reading and listening to this one girls thoughts....

You can be right, or you can be happy.....

I have heard this expression so many times in my life and it always seems to be directed at the husbands of the world. "You can be Right OR you can be Happy".  SO what exactly does this mean....

Does it mean that you have to give up on your personal expression in life and not have opinions anymore so that your relationships will run more smoothly.  I don't know about you but I think NOT. Here is my personal interpretation of this age old saying and I feel you can actually apply this to all areas of your life without giving up your own personal views and perspectives!!

How many times have you had a conversation with someone and they have been so adamant that their perspective was the "correct" way to look at whatever it was you were discussing that you actually did not even want to argue as it was so overbearing?? 

I have seen this happen many times in my life and can honestly say that it has been one of the factors that my past relationships did not work out as well as I had hoped at the time.  Mostly because I was the person who was so overbearing, I wanted to be right.  It was my way or the highway bucko. 

In the last 2 years or so I have slowly come to the realization that I personally would much rather be happy than right.  Sure I may have strong opinions about many topics in this world and I am very connected to my personal truth as I know it but that does not mean what I know is going to necessarily resonate with someone else. 

For all I know what I feel strongly about someone else may have a completely different outlook on and possibly think I am NUTS for thinking as I do and you know what??      That's OK. 

I would much rather hear out what that other persons perspective is and chew on how they see things for a while and see if I agree or not and how it may shift my perspective depending on how I feel about what they have shared with me.  I may also feel drawn to share my different perspective with them but by no means do they have to agree with me or conform to how I see the world.  Therefore I am Happy but not necessarily right in their eyes.

It is this connection to Joy and pure love of self, really knowing what your personal truth is and standing in it that allows this process of non judgement and letting go of forced conformity to thrive.

We are all spirits who are here having a human journey and part of being human is making up our own minds on how we decide to view the world based on our personal experiences.  This is what makes us unique in this journey!  Are we all still one at the core??  Of course we are, and if we are in a space that allows us to connect with that, so much of that judgement and the feeling of I HAVE to be RIGHT tends to naturally fall away. 

So I would love it if you all would decide to be happy instead of right.  Not that I am trying to force my view of the world on you or anything... these are just one girls thoughts after all!!  :)

A blooming flower is natures was of smiling at the world!!!
Come from your heart and listen to the song that surrounds you daily
Live a life of Joy my friends!!!!