Mirror Mirror in my Heart

Many of us in this journey we call life understand the mirror concept and that often what is bothering us on an external level is really a mirror for judgements that we are holding against ourselves....  Well I got hit with a couple of whoppers today I gotta tell ya, and I am still reeling from them.

The one that is closest to the surface at the moment was the realization that I and only I am the reason that my past romantic relationships have not worked out as well as some of my closer friendships.  Not only was I the party that ended both of my past significant relationships, but I was essentially alone in the decision to end them.  Both times my partners have not wanted the end to come, but of course I pushed the issue and that was all she wrote. 

I am by no means saying that there were not other factors involved in these decisions.  I didn't just wake up one day and say "hey, wouldn't it be fun to end my relationship today and cause myself and my partner a great deal of emotional pain"..... no there were "extenuating circumstances" but to be fair that was all they were, circumstances.

I was told today that in relationships of any and all kinds the only responsibility we have is to love the other person as best we can, and to ask ourselves on a daily basis "how can I love them better?"

 I gotta be honest here when I say it was like a punch in the solar plexus when this really hit home.  I have never done this in any relationship I have had except for my relationships with my family.  I was able to have this view when it came to my mom because she was sick and all I could do was love her, because I essentially understood that this was her journey to make, and her choice to make it whatever it needed to be for her.  All I could do was love her.

I have been able to have this perspective with my Dad and my brother as well.  Simply because I get that they have their own individual roads to follow.  Nothing I do or say will change that and there is no way I would ever cut them out of my life so again, all I can do is love them, for who they are and where they are right now.  Even if I sometimes don't agree with them, it's their journey and I respect that.

SO why have I never done this with my partner and lover in life??  Why have I always put parameters on that one person that I should be ever supportive, loving, and accepting of??  and what would happen if I were to just love, without boundaries, without conditions, and without expectations.  Taking steps each day to just love that person and all the people in my life the best I can, with no limitations....

I don't have the answers to those questions as I have never tried to love in this way before, but I will be honest I am a little scared.  To be in this space feels very vulnerable and I am a little concerned that my heart will be bruised.  BUT I am going to step forward into this anyway.  Starting with myself.

We all talk about how we need to love ourselves first and love ourselves unconditionally, but I don't know how well we really are at this concept we preach so much.  I know I have a rough go at not being hard on myself, and wow did I ever have a kick the shit outta Nicole session tonight when these realizations started to sink in.

Luckily though, I was able to stop, re-assess, and put a little perspective on it.  Maybe I haven't been great at loving in the past but that does not mean I can't be amazing at loving in the future.  So I am making a commitment to myself, here for all to read, that from this moment forward I am going to love me the best I can in every moment of every day. Because I deserve it.  I am also going to extend that love to everyone in my life. 

This isn't to say I may not still have my moments, but hey I will love you the best I can. All Ways!!