In August of 2011 my mom was in the final stages of her fight with cancer. It had been 5 years and this time she was just to tired to fight it out. During this time I was trying to secure tenants to take over the lease I was in with my ex-fiance. We had broken things off the previous May and had been living together in relative peace for the summer as neither of us really had a choice and we were locked into a lease.
I found renters and on Aug 15 I moved from Calgary to my parents home in high river to try and help out and the main hope was to get my mom home and comfortable where I could care for her. At this time she was in the hospital for severe dehydration. I also walked away from a client base I had built up in a shop I was working in Marda Loop.
On Aug 30 my mom passed away. She never did make it back home and died in the hospital.
Some people have told me I'm incredibly strong to do what I did in that month. It was a lot to handle and looking back I'm not really sure how I did it. They say the most stressful events in any ones life are moving, leaving a significant relationship, changing jobs and a death in the family. All of these events happened to me in August of 2011 and I made it through, I continued to move forward with my career and my life. I think I was able to do it because I know that is what my mom would have wanted for me. Just to keep going, to make a life for myself and to be happy.
Fast forward to Christmas of 2012...
My father and I decided to go to Vancouver Island for Christmas to visit my brother (his son) and my aunt (his sister). On the night of December 23, I was at my brothers in Courtney and my dad was at my aunts in Nanaimo, we got a call from my aunt stating my father was having a seizure and that an ambulance had been called. We rushed to the Nanaimo hospital and were told he needed to be transferred to the neurology unit in Victoria.
Long story short my father had a condition called Hydrocephalus also known as water on the brain. He had neurosurgery on Christmas day where they put a shunt in his brain to drain the excess fluid into his abdomen. The surgery went well but there ended up being complications that kept my father in Victoria until a second surgery could happen. He was finally able to come home in February with instructions that he was not allowed to drive for 1 year.
In April of 2013 my father suffered another set of seizures called Focal seizures. This resulted in a week hospital stay, more medications and another extension of his not being allowed to drive, this time until April 2014.
And finally June 2013... As I have mentioned we live in High River, and on June 20 we were evacuated from the town and not allowed to return for 9 days due to unsafe conditions and the extent of the flooding. When we were able to gain access to our home we discovered that 5 + feet of water had come into the basement and everything on that level was lost. I happened to live in the basement of the house and lost all of my material possessions that were not with me at the time.
For the last month I have been helping with the clean up of the house in high river as well as trying to get my life back on track and set up so I can keep going. After going through everything that happened in Aug 2011 you would think this would be a walk in the park but to be perfectly honest this is harder.
I don't know if it is because I was on more solid ground in 2011, or if it has all built up inside of me to this point but if I am honest, I'm struggling and quite badly. We have gotten the house to the point where it is a waiting game to get what needs to be done, done. I have a secure and solid place to live and am still able to work so why is this so much harder? Why do I feel like I am losing my grip?
I think part of it is that I feel as though my life is not my own and has not been for the last 2 to 3 years. I have been living for my family and I have been focusing so much on what they need that I have left myself behind. I have been seen as a rock and the girl who can handle it by so many people that I don't know how to live up to that image any more.
All I want is for someone to hold me and tell me its all going to be ok but I don't have that. Yes I have an amazing family and my friends are some of the most supportive and spectacular people I know but it's not the same as having that one person who you feel completely safe with. That one person who tells you its all going to be ok, even if it doesn't look that way and you believe them.
Maybe I'm looking for the support that most children have from their parents when they are little. That safe feeling that it's all going to be taken care of and you don't have to worry. Oddly I still do have that belief, I know it is all going to work out and be ok, I guess I just wish I had a partner in crime to share the burden with, to share the worry with, and to share the stress with. I don't want to burden my friends and family with how I am feeling because a part of me feels like I will be letting them down, I will be showing them that I am not the strong girl they think I am. I will be showing them I am human and vulnerable and scared.
A part of me also feels like I will be the broken record of woe. Oh look at me and how hard my life is right now. Pity me, feel sorry for me. I don't want to be that person. I have worked hard to step out of the victim mind set and have no intention of going back. So what do I do? How do I get through this?
I know one thing. I am going to ask for help and when someone asks me how I am, I am going to answer with the truth and not just tell them I'm Ok or fine. Right now I'm not OK and you know what? That's OK!!
The only other thing I know for sure, is to just be in the moment, every day, as much as I possibly can. To find joy and enjoyment in the little moments that make life special. Like playing with my god son, or my cousin's little girl giving me her stuffed bunny to make me feel better.
I guess one of my lessons right now is being ok with not being ok and learning how to deal with that and keep going. How to put one foot in front of the other when all you really want to do is run away. It sounds like a great plan, that running away, but it never leads you to a place of peace or calm because the internal challenges go with you and will show up externally given enough time.
A lot has happened for me and my family in the last 2 years and I feel I must mention that not all of it has been as horrible as it sounds. I have had just as many, if not more amazing moments and events in my life these last 2 years. My godson was born, and he is the gem of my heart. I started working at an amazing clinic called Lasya Healing, doing reiki, reflexology and readings, the work of my heart. I have also made connections and created friendships with some of the most amazing people I have ever had the luck of meeting. I am safe and loved and supported, I guess sometimes we just need to write it out to see it and get bumped from the pity party we are hosting for ourselves.
It does get better and the universe will only give us what we can handle, so remember and know and trust that you can handle it, you will get through it and this too shall pass.
** This was originally written in August 2013, I am finally posting it as I feel I can share now**
An energy painting of rebirth and transition
Emerging in Grace.
If you would like to know more about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca or www.lasyahealing.com
