I do still feel this is true but events of the day and talking with an amazing friend have helped me to change my perspective somewhat about grief and the various ways it can affect us.
For me the last week or so has been very difficult in an under the surface way and of course I did not want to look at why I was feeling like hiding from the world. I was doing everything I could to avoid acknowledging that I was hurting emotionally and missing my mom like crazy.
So yesterday my dad and I took a trip to where we spread her ashes last fall. While we were there I felt peaceful, happy, and sad and lost all at the same time. I was concerned about my dad and how he was dealing, and I was concerned about myself because I could see I was in full fledged avoidance mode. If I don't look at it then it's not real. If I don't acknowledge it then that can't possibly be what I am feeling. This mode never really works, especially when you are in a space that you can see that you are in the avoidance mode. It basically shatters the illusion really.
So we came back to the city, spent some time with family and then the world began to move on once more. I couldn't seem to shake the feeling though. That lost feeling of sadness and vulnerability, and some piece of me welcomed that feeling. It really wanted me to just fall into it. To allow it to grow and take over everything, my work, my feelings, my life....
This is where the original idea for a blog post was stemming from, that awful feeling of being alone to deal with the sadness of "losing" my mom. That no one could possibly understand and that the feelings themselves seemed to have a life of their own that I could not shake. In all honesty though, this could not be further from the truth.
There are many people out there who are dealing with grief on many different levels. Whether it is the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, or even the loss of a job. Right now many people are also trying to deal with the "loss" of who they thought they were, or who they were striving to be and that is like a death as well.
We are ever changing and growing, the old falls away to make way for the new. New Ideas, new inspirations, new thoughts. Death is a part of our daily life and is integral to the development and learning that we choose to come here and participate in.
So through the amazing conversation with my friend Tim, who is also a life coach, I came to a beautiful realization and have renewed a commitment to myself that I had let slide a bit over the last couple of weeks.
At my core, my essence is joy. It is always there, it is always with me and no matter what I am going through, dealing with or feeling. That joy is always there right in the center of my soul, just waiting for me to remember and allow myself to connect to it. To see the beauty of life that is all around me. To see the positive in every situation and to really appreciate the simple things. To be in the moment and allow myself to love that moment right now, as it is, with no expectations and no judgements.
So in short, I choose to remember my mom in joy, to grieve her in joy and to always love her as she is as much a part of my joy as she was a part of my life. I let go of the need to wallow in sadness and to let that despair of not being able to physically connect with her in this life get me down.
Will I still have moments of sadness? you betcha, and I will allow these cycles of sadness to wash over me. I will acknowledge them and feel them and then I will allow them to go. I will consciously step into the joy of my memories of her. I will cry with her and laugh with her, because she is with me always, in my heart and in my joy!
So you see my friends, you have a choice in how you decide to deal with your grief, in whatever situation that grief is stemming from. You can choose to stay in the negative space, the sorrow and the sadness. You can choose to wallow OR you can allow yourself to feel those feelings, connect with them on a base level and then let them go. You can choose to step into the challenge of life, and you can choose to accept that challenge with an attitude of love and joy.
but hey these are just one girls thoughts, so I will leave you to make your own decision...
For more information about my friend, the amazing Tim Kessler and his coaching, nature questing, fitness and barefooting programs please visit his website at http://livetikelife.com/
If you would like more information about Nicole Tunheim and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca
