Third Stage of Grief: Bargaining

We have all done it, in many areas of our lives, and when dealing with grief emotions bargaining comes into play on many different levels.  The most common of these tends to play out in “what if” statements.  How many times have you played the “what if” game with yourself?  Whether it was a situation where you wonder “what if” I hadn’t of said that, or “what if” I had done this differently, it all comes down to the same thing.  Trying to bargain our way around the past and a situation or event that has already happened.

Even though we can’t turn back the clock or rearrange events that have already happened we still tend to antagonize ourselves by playing this game.  So “what if” we work towards letting go instead of torturing ourselves with what might have been if only we had, said , acted or created something different in that moment. 

I, personally, went through this process in the passing of my mom in 2011.  I tortured myself with thoughts of “what if” I had paid closer attention the last time around, when the symptoms of the cancer were showing up again, and “what if” I had made a case sooner for her to seek out chemo again.  Would that have saved her, or at least given her a bit more time with us?  While I was running scenarios of what I could have done differently, I was missing an opportunity to face up to the fact that my mom was her own person and made her own decisions.  I could not own how her life played out or how soon it came to an end, and it was not my responsibility to do so.  I was in a cycle of needlessly picking open wounds that could be healing and leading me in the direction of acceptance of the loss of her. 

So instead of “what if-ing” myself continually into a corner, I learned that I could let go of the responsibility and accept that she lived her life the best she could with the skills and perspective she had.  She made the choices that she thought were best for her in the moment and that was all I could ever ask for. 

Getting to this place took time and occasionally I still find myself peering into the past with a little regret at how some events and interactions with her played out. BUT I have come to a place where instead of viewing our time together with pockets of regret, I can now look back with immense love for the amazing woman who brought me into this world and taught me to be the compassionate loving human I am today.  I have learned from her choices and self perceived mistakes, and am a better and stronger person for being able to share the time I had with her. 

Now in saying this, we not only use these “what if” statements when reflecting on a loved one we have lost.  Many of us use these statements in everyday life to be hard on ourselves for our own self perceived mistakes.  When our expectations don’t play out how we thought they would, many of us will jump right into the “what if’s”.  So I am asking you to work with me in being a little more conscious of how you view yourself.  Dwelling on the past and those lovely “what ifs” are not going to magically turn back the clock so we can “fix” what we think we may have done wrong.  Instead, let’s look at those self perceived mistakes as lovely moments of learning and growth.  We can use those moments to help us do better in the future, to help us grow with the future, and to help us shift our perspectives of ourselves into a place of unconditional love. 

Do we sometimes say the wrong thing in the wrong moment?  Heck yes, but all this is, is a nudge to be more conscious with our words.  Do we sometimes get upset when events don’t play out the way we expect them to?  Of course, but again this is just a moment to open us to the idea that letting go of those expectations may be a blessing.  And do we torture ourselves with thoughts that if we had done this or that differently we may have been able to save a loved one?  Yes many of us do, but in doing this we are trying to take responsibility of a life that was not ours to control and decisions that were not ours to make.  Let’s respect and love those who have passed before us, in honoring their decisions in their journey.  Those decisions were never ours to make, and I feel we would be discrediting and even disrespecting our loved ones who have passed by believing if we had done just one thing differently, we may have been able to save them. 

Within this third stage of grief, we need not be so hard on ourselves.  Remember, you are here, in this journey for a reason, and maybe the person you are missing dearly was here to show you that letting go and being gentle with yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can receive. 

To learn more about Nicole and the services she offers please visit her website at www.intuitivebalance.ca or visit Lasya Healings website at www.lasyahealing.com